Let Me Go Sometime
by Ryoko no Shinigami
Summary: My sick, twisted version of a 'Dear John' letter that Heero sends to Relena. (Or would that make it a 'Dear Jane' letter?) Anyway, it all works out in the end. 1x2 implied.


1 Title: Let Me Go Sometime  
  
Author: Ryoko no Shinigami  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairings: 1+R, 1x2  
  
Notes: I've read a lot of stories titled, 'Never Let You Go', or similar. I've always considered that thought a bit frightening, to say the least. Frankly, the idea of being forced to spend the rest of my life with someone whether I want to or not is kind of twisted. So I began to think.and this is what I came up with. It's a kind of twisted 'Dear John' letter. Or 'Dear Jane', as the case may be.  
  
Warnings: The first-ever appearance and only the second mention of Relena in any of my stories. (Gasp!) An implied relationship between Heero and Relena. (Look, I'm sorry, forgive me, it just came out that way! Don't ask me why. I only live in my head, I don't control what goes on there.) A very obvious relationship between Heero and Duo. (So, you see, all is not lost.) Swearing, general angst, and probably some other stuff. Oh, and Relena really gets the short end of the stick by the time this is over.  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Gundam Wing, it would be a spicy mix of action/adventure and yaoi relationships between the pilots. However, as it is, it's only like that if you look at it the right way. So that should tell you two things: 1. That I do not own Gundam Wing, and 2. That it will all work out for you yaoi lovers in the end. I would never dare to disappoint you.  
  
You said you'd never let me go. I never used to let it bother me, really. I knew you meant it to be comforting, meant it to mean you'd never leave me.but what if I wanted to leave you? You'd never let me go.never on your own.  
  
You said it to comfort me. But the way I heard it, it was a cage. A cage of iron words. You never asked me, though. Never wondered how I felt. Never thought that I would want to get out. You whispered it to me, always. Twining your fingers through my hair, you wrapped me in soft words. Then why did I always wind up feeling trapped?  
  
It wasn't you I hated, really. It was that feeling. That feeling of being trapped. Call it a throwback on the old soldiering days. Call it a result of years of harsh training, or constant fear of confinement, of places with nowhere to escape.  
  
Call it what you will, I began to hate being with you, began to search for ways to get out of what was quickly becoming a terrible situation. It wasn't you. It was that.feeling.  
  
I became more distant from you. I began to go out at night. I began to go out without you. I don't blame you for wondering where I was, what I was doing, though you may think I hated you for it. When you questioned me, I snapped, or yelled. I acted offended. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just had to get away. And at the time, that seemed like the only way to get you to let go.  
  
I'll admit I was frightened. I knew you had your fingers twined around my heart, same as they twisted through my hair in those dark, quiet nights. I wasn't sure how hard it would be to get out. And I knew it would hurt, digging your fingernails from myself.  
  
It all came to a head one night when I was with you. You had tried so hard for it to be a wonderful evening for both of us. The candles, the soft violin music, and the wonderful meal you had your cook prepare for us. You hadn't told me what you were planning, only asked me to dress in my formal clothing.  
  
Everything had felt normal until I began to put on my tie. I could have sworn I felt it tightening around my neck like a noose. I knew that the longer I stayed, the tighter your noose would become, and the more impossible it would be to leave. But I've been trained to ignore such foolish things as emotions, and pushed those thoughts into oblivion.  
  
We usually ate in the big dining room, one of us at each end of the long table. Tonight, you had the servants lay the table in a small, private drawing room. The little round table, complete with two candles and silver covered dishes, was the picture of an intimate setting. To me, it looked like Hell.  
  
I could feel myself choking on the smoke from the candles, and on the sickening sweet scent of the rose petals strewn on the white table cloth. Pink petals, of course. From the covered dishes came the aroma of cooked beef. The thought of sinking my knife into that meat, sitting there, listening to your bubbly chatter, no more able to escape than if you had bound me to the chair, nearly made me faint.  
  
And that is why I turned and ran from the room. I swear it wasn't you. It was my fear of my own inability to escape.  
  
I heard you call my name, desperately, as I walked as fast as I could down the hall. I turned down a corridor at random, my only thought to get out of there, to get out of that too-large house that was suddenly a too- small prison.  
  
Almost running, I tore the noose tie from my neck and tossed it to the ground. My jacket, more expensive than any clothing I had previously owned, followed soon after, thrown unceremoniously to the dark red carpet as I made my getaway.  
  
The training from the war began to return. I wondered if you had sent out an alarm, if anyone would be looking for me. I tried to tell myself that that was absurd. But then I wondered, was it really? You had said you'd never leave me, but what would you do now that I was trying to leave you?  
  
I got out, thankfully, without being accosted by anyone, servants, butlers.I wasn't in my right mind. I might well have fallen back on my old training had anyone tried to stop me. I still try not to think about what I might have done.  
  
I ran to my car, parked in the circular driveway in front of your house. It was your car, really, that you had given to me for our first anniversary. It wasn't pink, thank God, but a rich, dark red that seemed to soak up any light. In the overcast, rainy night it looked darker than black.  
  
The racing engine of the car roared as I turned the key, then forced the pedal all the way down to the metal floor. I was going nearly sixty as I turned the wide curve of the driveway, then faster down the long stretch to get to the road.  
  
The rain began to fall, then. Needle sharp drops that hit the roof and the windshield. For one more irrational moment, I worried that the drops would eat away the metal, filling the car with their water till I drowned. It sounds crazy, but it was crazier. My hands shook on the steering wheel, but I didn't give up any speed. I just wanted to get away.  
  
The town was only about five miles from your country mansion, and I slowed as I neared the more populated streets. The town was medium sized, with a main street of shops and bars. I avoided these popular hangouts instinctively, knowing that my appearance - I looked as though I was the lone survivor of a wedding massacre - would alarm any sane person. Better to stick to the tiny hole-in-the-walls.  
  
I eventually settled on a small place that I had come to know well in my recent weeks as a semi-refugee. Small and dark, the only people who frequented such a place were not those who were likely to ask questions. These were people intent of getting drunk, and willing to leave you alone to do the same.  
  
The smoke from cheap cigarettes cleansed my nostrils of the still- sick scent of your house. As I got my bearings in the doorway, a waitress walked up to me, and I ordered a beer. My anger was suddenly peaked when I saw my normal seat, a booth in a dark corner, had been taken by a young couple who looked intensely interested in each others eyes.  
  
Grumbling to myself, I took a seat at the bar and prepared to get wasted. And that was my downfall.  
  
My only warning was a hand laid lightly on my shoulder. I was halfway through me second beer, and my head was slightly unsteady. I turned in very real irritation, only to be blown away by the widest imaginable smile and the brightest possible pair of eyes. Even while halfway drunk there was no way of mistaking that face.  
  
Duo. Well, of all the people I never thought to meet in this time and place.  
  
"Duo." I stumbled for a moment over my words. "I'm sorry. It's been such a long time, and I really meant to keep in touch. We all did, I guess. I'm.I'm sorry."  
  
The grin impossibly widened. "Hey, Heero. Man, I never thought I'd find you in a place like this. I'm only in town for a little while, unexpectedly, you know. I was going to drop in to see you two, but. I thought you'd rather not see me." His eyes were shy as they met mine. "I meant to keep in touch, too."  
  
My head seemed to clear in his presence. I suddenly remembered all the times, back then, during the war. His old joking ways. His smile hadn't changed at all.  
  
"How long has it been?"  
  
"Since we talked last? Jeeze, must be almost two years, now." He ran a hand absently through his hair. "It was that scare over in L2, you remember, Preventer business."  
  
I did remember. As the Preventer organization grew, our work threw all of us to opposite ends of the earth. It had been such a long time ago, that last time we were all together. I remembered shaking Duo's hand as I prepared to board my shuttle home, promising him I'd keep in touch. And I had meant to. I sat down and wrote him a long e-mail when I got home. But then I had read over it, and realized that there was something horribly wrong with it. It had none of the friendly manner I had assumed with him over the years. It sounded like someone else had written it. I never sent the message.  
  
And now, after almost two years, here was the man I honestly hadn't thought about for months. And I tried to figure out what to say.  
  
"Duo."  
  
He gestured over his shoulder with a thumb. "You wanna get out of here? Maybe get something to eat?"  
  
Suddenly, the bar seemed too hot. To get out there, in the cool rain and night air.I could have asked for nothing more.  
  
Outside, in the dark, the entire town seemed deserted. All the sane people were at home, in their beds. Everyone else was in the bar behind us. No one else was willing to be outside on a night like this, getting wet. But Duo simply turned up the collar on his jacket, leaned against a wall, and stood staring up at the starless sky. Without anything else to do, I leaned beside him.  
  
I felt him look over at me curiously several times, but neither of us said anything. Eventually, he must have gotten bored with the silence and wondering, and pushed away from the wall to stand in front of me.  
  
"Jesus H. Christ, Heero, you look like Death warmed over. What the hell is wrong with you? I take it all is not well in the happy house of the Perfect Soldier?"  
  
I shrugged, noncommittally, with one shoulder. "It could be better, I guess. It's not that anything's wrong, really. It's just that, sometimes, I just need to get out. You know?"  
  
He nodded. "Yeah, I know. It's not in us, I guess, the domestic life. I mean, shit, we were always running all those years. It's hard to just leave all that behind at once. Sometimes, you're just going to need to run again. I suppose it's natural." He went back to leaning against the wall, shoulders hunched against the falling rain that had slowed to a drizzle.  
  
It was my turn to curiously glance over at him. "What about you? What about.what was her name? Helen?"  
  
"Hilde." He sighed, her name sounding like a world of heartache. "Yeah. Hilde. That lasted about two months before she got tired of my unwillingness to commit, and I was out on my ass." He chuckled. "I stayed with Kat and Trowa for a while, too, but staying around those two nearly gave me a cavity. They were doing well, last time I heard from them, perfectly happy in coupled bliss. I looked up Wufei, too, about a year ago, and eventually found him hiding out in a Buddhist commune somewhere on the Tibet/China border. But I figured, he had gone to so much trouble to make it hard to find him, I shouldn't bother him. So I can only assume he's doing well. As for me, I've just been wandering around for a year and a half, doing this and that, living off my Preventers check, mostly." He sighed again, sadness there. "So really, I've just been doing what we're all going to need to do sometimes. Running."  
  
I blinked. I hadn't even remembered the girl's name, but I had assumed, last time I saw Duo, that they had still been together. Sounded like he hadn't been finding freedom any easier to accept than I was.  
  
"I wish I could do that, sometimes. Life with Relena, it's alright. She loves me, I guess. But."  
  
"But you and I, old buddy, we don't have what it takes to be civilized," he finished for me. "Hell, we grew up on the streets, mostly. We've got the wild in our veins."  
  
"Which is perfectly natural for two people who grew up on overcrowded city streets." I offered. He looked at me in mock amazement.  
  
"Do my ears deceive me? Does the Perfect Soldier offer a jest?" He put a hand to his heart. "Sweet mother in heaven! The sky will be falling next!"  
  
I punched him, softly, on the arm. "Shut up. Baka."  
  
He winked. "That's more like the Heero I know. But seriously, I think there's more wilderness on the streets than anywhere else, sometimes."  
  
Without warning, he pushed off from the wall and began to walk. I began to walk with him, without thinking. We slouched along, two black- clad shadows among many black shadows. We were silent until Duo stopped, gesturing at the street.  
  
"This is where I get off, then."  
  
I looked at what he was pointing at, a small black motorcycle.  
  
"You're going home in that? You'll get wet."  
  
He laughed at that. "No wetter than I already am, Heero."  
  
"You'll catch a cold."  
  
"I'll survive."  
  
"You'll get pneumonia."  
  
He put a hand to his heart. "If I die, it will be of having lived, not of standing in a rainstorm."  
  
I don't know why I was so stubborn. I guess I wasn't ready to be alone yet. "No. I can't let you go home like that. My car is just a couple blocks away. I'll take you home. No, it's no trouble," I said, as he protested. "Please. I want to."  
  
Eventually, he gave in. I led him to my parked car, and he whistled.  
  
"Man, living with Relena definitely has it's fringe benefits, don't it?" he grinned.  
  
"Hn." I unlocked the car, and we both climbed in.  
  
We didn't speak the entire car ride, except when Duo needed to give directions. Eventually we pulled onto a dirt road, miles out of town, that lead to a small cottage. I stopped the car.  
  
"Well, since you came so far out of your way, you should come in. I'll make us a pot of coffee."  
  
Duo's house was small but scrupulously neat. I blinked when he turned on the living room light.  
  
"It's very." I searched for an appropriate adjective, and came up short. "Clean."  
  
A low chuckle came from him at that. "You needn't act so surprised, Heero. I'm not the slob I was back at fifteen. Anyway, I don't spend much time here." He threw his jacket over the back of a chair. "Make yourself at home."  
  
I sat on his couch as he disappeared into the kitchen to make coffee. He didn't have a television, the entire room was arranged around a large fireplace. Above the mantel was a large portrait of the five of us, in Preventer uniforms, that had been used as a publicity photo a few years back. I tried to remember when Duo's smile, still wide, had stopped being merely happy and took on that slight sadness that was there now. I wondered if Quatre still had that innocent look, if Trowa still looked so stoic, if Wufei still looked so cool and confident. I realized that I had no idea how these people, once my greatest friends, were doing, if they even looked the same.  
  
I realized that I had no idea if I still looked the same, either.  
  
Duo came back with two cups of coffee. He sat down on a chair opposite me with his cup. I noticed he took his coffee black, now. Back then, he used to take it with lots of cream and a small mountain of sugar. So many little things had changed, since then.  
  
"So, Heero. How's the work going? The Preventers still taking up the majority of your time?"  
  
I shrugged. "No. I'm still working for them, but more paperwork jobs, now. And less often. Relena got upset at all the 'dangerous' jobs, and then she decided that I was working too much, anyway," I sighed. "She doesn't like me to get out with what she sees as the 'unsavory' crowd."  
  
Duo whistled. "Foolish woman. Hell, we ARE the unsavory crowd! At least, we used to be. Shit, man, that's awful. It's like you two are married already." He glanced at me sharply. "Um.are you married?"  
  
I had to laugh. "No. Things have pretty much met a status quo. I live in her house, do what she says, and she tries her damnedest to force some civilization into me. God, Duo, it's been awful. The only human contact I've had for ages is her, the servants, and these idiot high-class people she invites to her parties. I have nothing in common with these people, you know? During the war, they sat around in their fancy houses, drank brandy, and placed bets on which side would win and when. They weren't even involved in Romefeller! At least if they had taken that much interest in the war, I could respect them. But all they did was hide. They hid while you and I, and the others, were killing ourselves to save their worthless lives." I chuckled. "But you can't say things like that to them. Relena would kill me."  
  
I glanced at Duo, and noticed him looking strangely at me. "What?"  
  
"I think that might be the most I've ever heard you talk. Ever."  
  
Another shrug. "Yeah, well. That's Relena's influence, too. I'm not supposed to be sullen and quiet anymore, now that the war is over. To make her happy, I've discovered the fine art of blabbering on about nothing with people I have nothing in common with."  
  
There was a good five minutes of friendly silence then, as we sipped our coffee and thought over the years between our last meeting and this.  
  
"So, how've the years been treating you, Duo?"  
  
"Eh. Same old, same old. After I left Quatre's house, I wandered a bit. Found out where Howard's been staying. The old bastard got himself hitched to a pretty Polynesian girl, and they're both very happy, living on some tiny Pacific island that doesn't even show up on the map. But after living with our two lovebirds, I had my fill of sticking with couples like a third wheel, so I didn't stay there long. So for the last year and a half or so, I've really just been wandering around. Some Preventer work here, a salvage job there. Went back to space for a while. Back to L2. You wouldn't believe how much they cleaned it up since the last job. So." his voice trailed off.  
  
So we sat, thinking. And suddenly, I knew.  
  
"I'm not going back to Relena, am I?"  
  
Duo looked up. "I know. I knew when you offered me a ride home. I thought so before that, seeing you in that dingy bar. The old Heero wouldn't have been caught dead like that."  
  
"So.what should I do?"  
  
He shrugged. "I don't know. I don't even know what I'm doing, really." He looked at me. "We could.well, we're both just going to be wandering around alone, I guess. How about we wander around alone together?"  
  
And then I remembered something I had pushed as far from my mind as possible. After the Marimeia incident, how he had lightly brushed his fingers over my face, then turned and walked away. I had been confused, but decided that it was nothing, or my imagination. And I had gone off with Relena.  
  
Suddenly, I realized everything. It was his way of testing, to see which one of them I would go to. And suddenly, I wished I had followed him, instead of Relena.  
  
He was waiting for my answer. I thought about it. He would never trap me. That wasn't his way. I would never have to go back to that prison house, with my beautiful jailer. It sounded like heaven. I told him so.  
  
And we stayed up all night, just talking. Discussed places we both wanted to see, where we would go first, that sort of thing. Then we reminisced about the past, about all those good times we had together. And then we eventually fell asleep, together. That was something you and I never did, just falling asleep together, no strings attached.  
  
And that's why I'm sending this vidletter. To let you know it's finished. I'm not coming back. In case you should try to trace this com link, we're both moving out as soon as I'm done. We've already booked transport, but don't try to find us. Eventually, we'll look up the others, maybe get the old group back together. But that won't be for a while yet, and I don't think the others will give you any information, even if they do know something. We're happy. I'm happy, finally. Goodbye, Relena. You had to let me go sometime.  
  
And as Relena watched, staring in disbelief at the vidscreen, an arm slipped around the waist of the man she had thought was her lover, and she was treated to a moments view of the two of them, obviously ecstatically happy together.  
  
"Heero."  
  
And then the screen went black.  
  
Owari 


End file.
